A Hero’s Inward Journey.
The Reward of Not Knowing is an accounting of my response to the call of adventure. The very suspense of not knowing where the journey would lead became its own reward. Learning to honor life’s mystery subsequently yielded its bounty. A shift in perspective was all it took to start recognizing the blessings inherent in every tragedy.
My life was once a barren wasteland of existence that played out between the regret of yesterday and the anticipation of tomorrow. Living in the present moment was of little to no interest. Even worse, my need for excess stimuli increased as my compassion for others decreased. As a result, internal conflicts started to manifest within my body as tension and depression. Subsequently, anyone within my immediate circle also fell victim to those same disruptive influences.
So what exactly is the wasteland? Personally, “the wasteland” was continually living out an inauthentic existence. This was made evident whenever following other people’s paths superseded blazing my own trail. No innovation or personal development ever took place along that way.
Since childhood, the Star Wars Trilogy served as a guiding light amidst the darkness in my life. Luke Skywalker’s quest wasn’t just some space-aged faerie tale. In fact, it follows three essential sequences inherent within heroic fables: departure, fulfillment, and return. Like Luke, I learned to adopt an unorthodox approach to life which transformed a nightmarish existence into a heroic adventure. Crossing a threshold into the unknown would initiate my departure from the ordinary, and bring forth a new and rewarding perspective on life.
Embarking on an inward journey soon unveiled many truths regarding the seemingly chance events that occurred throughout my life. Once interpreted properly, these episodes brought about many positive inner transformations. In hindsight, my degree of psychological bondage didn’t become apparent until I finally mustered enough courage to put some distance between myself, and a mentally unstable mother. This heightened level of self-awareness grew out of an unbearable sense of anguish, especially because our life paths began to look eerily similar.
For starters, my mom left home as a teenager to escape the clutches of her own insane mother. Correspondingly, I forced myself to leave home to escape her. Beforehand, it was as if we both built our own prison, cohabitating like a pair of cozy schizophrenics. As both guards and prisoners of our inner realities, we could never leave or even perceive it as a form of imprisonment. She was afflicted by a mental disorder referred to as Dissociative Identity Disorder, or Multiple Personality Disorder. Essentially, it’s a condition characterized by the emergence of distinct personalities in response to abuse and trauma. But at the onset of this affliction, little was known about the disorder, leading doctors to frequently misdiagnose her as Bi-Polar.
Curiously enough, her condition turned out to be more of a blessing than a curse. Besides toughening me up, acting as my mom’s primary caregiver helped me to develop the skills that would eventually facilitate my own spiritual rebirth.
Those seemingly unfortunate circumstances I was born into also yielded some unique, as well as useful talents. In another attempt to root out her affliction, my mom taught me how to emulate her hypnotherapist. With a little training and a willingness to help, I would routinely perform countless in-depth hypnosis sessions that actually yielded positive results, even if only for a little while.
During our sessions together, her more aggressive personality acted out the type of behavior that generated confusion and turmoil throughout our day-to-day lives. But once its appetite was satisfied, it would lay low until it became time to create chaos all over again. Regardless, it was incumbent on me to assume the parental role, turning us into a classic case of the blind leading the blind. Still, underneath that veil of darkness, a light of hope awaited me. I needed only to be turned toward it.
Throughout my life, I’ve managed to gain knowledge and understanding from somewhat unconventional sources: movies and television shows. My interest in this medium was first sparked by my mother, who already recognized the educational value of the cinematic arts. As I navigated the challenges and obstacles of life, the stories and themes presented on the big screen provided me with a way to process and make sense of my experiences. My mother always encouraged me to look beyond the surface level of each film and search for deeper messages and life lessons. By doing so, I began to perceive movies as more than just entertainment; they became a valuable tool for self-discovery and learning.
The power of film lies in its ability to challenge conventional wisdom and reveal universal themes that resonate with viewers. For me, Star Wars was one of the first films to do just that. Through the intergalactic saga of Luke Skywalker, I saw reflections of my own personal journey, thus finding solace in the idea that the forces of light could ultimately triumph over the darkness. With each movie, I eagerly absorbed the pragmatic wisdom and life lessons they had to offer which served as a means to learn and grow from these modern mythologies.
While movies and television shows can offer valuable insights and lessons, they can’t solve all of life’s challenges. For those with Dissociative Identity Disorder, the process of self-discovery and integration is a deeply personal and complex journey. Each personality represents a unique aspect of the individual’s psyche, each with its own needs and desires. But with patience, self-reflection, and professional support, it is possible to integrate each personality in order to create a fully actualized and unified self.
Whenever my mother was lucid, her more compassionate and insightful personality prevailed. Since my relationship with that particular entity was always harmonious, those sacred and rare moments of peaceful coexistence presented me with countless opportunities to learn all she had to teach. Her use of parables routinely provided me with the means to assimilate big ideas.
She once told the story of a young man who desperately needed transportation, so he attended church regularly to pray for a VW Beetle. He rationalized that praying to God for something so modest couldn’t possibly take long to manifest. But he became increasingly agitated as weeks of unanswered prayers passed by. He couldn’t help but wonder what was with the holdup. After all, he was only asking for just enough to get by.
Then one day, an older gentleman from the church got wind of the young man’s situation. Since the elderly man felt he had become too old to drive, he willingly offered the young man his practically new Cadillac. Yet the young man refused the offer as he was certain that the old man was up to no good. Besides, he still felt his prayers would soon be answered. The following Sunday, the young man finally heard the voice of God calling to him saying, “I wanted to give you a Cadillac but you keep insisting on a Beetle!”
My mom wanted me to understand that anything I receive in this life will always match my level of worthiness for it. She also wanted me to recognize that opportunity can present itself in many different ways. Therefore, it would behoove me to dig deep in order to find the hidden gems buried underneath each and every problem. Finally, she added, “Gladly accept whatever comes along your path. Because what else could best suit your needs.”
Growing up, I was taught to keep my friends close and my enemies closer. If I kept an open mind, they could teach me plenty. My own mother was paradoxically the closest enemy and thus a potent ally in my quest for personal understanding. Nevertheless, endeavoring not to disturb her fiercest personality’s had me walking on eggshells for years. But whenever she would experience occasional moments of clarity, there was no one else I’d rather have by my side. All the while, the abused child within her remained cleverly concealed behind an array of personas.
In her own search for answers, she turned to an eclectic array of ideologies, spanning from Catholicism to Spiritualism. Yielding to a single religion proved challenging for her, so she skimmed off a little wisdom from each, concluding that religions are symbolic of an inward truth, not an external reality. Furthermore, the symbols of religion don’t refer to concrete facts but are instead an elaborate array of signposts pointing the way back home toward the God already within.
Growing up with my mother was a mere prelude to the greater odyssey waiting to unfold before me. My quest to discover my niche in the world required me to depart from familiar territory and venture into the dark forests of self-discovery. Freeing myself from the insanity at home was no small feat, but the trials and tribulations I faced ultimately led to my rebirth as a self-directing adult. Along the way, I discovered a talent for helping others through difficult times due to a natural ability to listen with empathy and provide insights that resonated deeply with them. A friend even confessed that my company was so therapeutic, I should be prescribed by a physician. Serving as my mother’s therapist for so many years prepared me well for these interactions, and I found great fulfillment in offering a listening ear and a supportive presence. By continually giving of myself in this capacity, I hoped to unlock further illuminations that could ultimately do good in the world.
Psychologist Carl Jung recognized that people around the world share the same primitive insights that transcend language and geography. He called them archetypes of the unconscious. According to Jung, humans are universally motivated by the same basic hopes and fears. He concluded that every human inherits these motivations from the same underlying source. At one time or another, intuition will likely call upon each and every one of us to champion a quest. Accepting or rejecting this inner calling remains one’s personal responsibility.
While the quest that lies ahead of me remains uncertain, authoring a book feels like the first step toward unveiling something wondrous within me. Perhaps the best way to be of service to others requires reconciling myself to an inward truth just like Luke Skywalker. Through conquering his own fears and limitations, he managed to restore balance to the galaxy. Though likely not his original intent, it was undoubtedly a fortunate by-product of his personal inner alignment. Luke’s quest awakened me to a profound realization. I had never realized the emptiness of my soul until it was revivified by the thirst for understanding through the adventure of self-discovery.
Scientists assert that at one time the entire Universe originated from a single source. If this is accurate, then could it be that I am merely a thread, woven into an enormous tapestry? And if so, who was the weaver? Since all things are inextricably intertwined, am I harming myself by doing harm to others? Exploring these questions further would ultimately involve plunging even deeper toward the mystery of my own existence.
Everything in life bears some degree of risk. The idea isn’t to avoid all the obstacles on the course, but instead assume the guise of the hero by gathering competence and skill from hardship. Even the humblest life forms ignore the odds of survival once their quest is underway. Consider how freshly hatched sea turtles head straight for the ocean despite the predators that await them by sky, land, and sea. Something within them spurs their little bodies toward an unforeseeable destiny. Uninhibited by fear, they simply heed the call to action.
In my situation, growing up with an unstable parental figure conjured up plenty of motivation for leaving town. My tragic existence became more and more difficult to endure with each passing day. Apart from leaving all the chaos and strife behind, I wondered what I might amount to on my own. Learning to perceive setbacks as opportunities ultimately helped me to see the world as it is, rather than how I thought it to be. A personal hero of mine, Joseph Campbell, was once a teacher at Sarah Lawrence College who frequently advised his students to follow their bliss. According to Joe, seeking that which evokes your greatest joy will open doors where none existed before.
I never imagined the dangers attendant to heeding this call to adventure. However, once the notion set in, it was as if I mystically activated a homing beacon that attracted a slew of advisers onto my path. These guides facilitated the necessary conditioning I would require in order to achieve an expansion of consciousness that could help guide me along a path that led toward an uncertain future. They would encourage me to act from a place of inner knowing where self-mastery was the rule rather than the exception.
Through experience, I learned that a lack of understanding of the fundamentals of any endeavor often leads to fear. For instance, when I began studying Algebra, the alien and complex concepts made it seem more daunting. My fear only subsided after I put in tremendous effort to gain a better understanding of the basic principles. Similarly, extreme hardship forced Luke Skywalker to undertake a dangerous journey beyond the farthest reaches of the galaxy. In actuality, his quest to become a Jedi was an attempt to discover something that was intrinsically a part of his inner psyche since birth.
In early childhood, I faced the choice to either continue living out a nightmare or find a way through it. The pathway toward this daring escape was illuminated by first taking a journey inward. If guidance couldn’t be discovered from within, then it probably wasn’t worth seeking in the first place. Angelic-like entities graced my path in the form of friends, mentors, and even employers. It is a privilege to share their wisdom as well as my personal observations and experiences with you. May these insights I’ve gathered along the way prompt you on your own rewarding path toward self-discovery.
While continuing along these pages, take time to ponder your latent talents. What abilities do you possess that flow from you effortlessly? These gifts hold the key to unfolding your destiny. Enlisting these abilities can set the stage for improving your life as well as the lives of others around you. Acting out of inspiration has given me a sense of certitude that isn’t easily discouraged by temporary circumstances. I would encourage you to be courageous in all your endeavors. After all, courage isn’t the opposite of fear, it’s moving forward in spite of it.
So can a hero save the world? For me, the answer is, yes. Absolutely! But salvation must begin by exploring, charting, and enhancing one’s own understanding of the inner dimension. Cinema reaffirms that everything in life emanates from within and is projected outward. In the end, every production is a reflection of the director’s unique vision. So, what better time than now to direct the life you’ve always longed for? External circumstances might presently be disrupting harmony throughout the world, but they are only transitory interferences that, like time itself, will pass. After all, the Universe, of which you are an integral part, expands for all eternity.
